Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Disorganized times of a schizophrenic mind

Everyone has 2 stories...the one they share and the one they don't.  That's my case. Here's the one I don't share. My closet life. 



 We have a 21 yr old step child whom we have known is schizophrenic for 3 yrs now. BUT it has been the most trying 8 yrs EVER in history with him. We don't even say we have an older child when asked about kids for not so obvious reasons. 

 Being a nurse, working in mental health and in a hospital, and having known people with schizophrenia ... you'd think I'd know all about handling it. Every case is unique, so to speak. Maybe I just tell myself that? Comforting? Not really. 

Let's just get a glance into how this works in my world. Every day is a battle. There are no good days unless I don't hear from him BUT then it's not good because I worry the worst has happened (drug overdose, murdered, suicide, jail, freezing to death, Ect). 

This boy wants to spend his life in a tent in the woods ... homeless with "his people" that do not exist. Yes, WANTS to do that. Life plans. 

Direct daily quotes of this catastrophic mess ..."I'm moving to California, Georgia, New Hampshire, Colorado, West Virginia." "I want to smoke pot all day so I'll move to Colorado cuz it's legal there and then I'll have friends", "I wanna live free, homeless, in a tent without people around me", "I spent $250 on crack", "I only bought one beer", "I'm a cool guy so I don't know why no one wants me to live with them", my friend -----, my friend----, my friend----" (there are no friends), "let me barrow some money for ...", "I think I'm gonna be a serial killer one day."  



I know more about the Holy Trinity than ever before. "The people in the lights" control his mind. He laughs at nothing apparent to anyone. He can't hold a conversation. When he does conversate he stops mid sentence, long pause and then on another subject or he just walks away as if you aren't there. He thinks everyone is out to get him. I don't know when he last bathed. He's been to jail countless times. Meds ... omg, he does not need meds because he doesn't have a mental health issue ... everyone else does. He was kicked out of school on so many occasions, suspended, detentions for drugs in school, behaviors, outbursts. (We had testing... All negative). He has sooooo many legal issues and fines. It's like he has no common sense. If you say "that's probably not a good idea or that's not safe" he does it. No one does anything for him. OKAY, let's touch base on that. 



No one does anything for him ??? Let's start with living arrangements. He has stayed at countless friends houses and been kicked out due to behaviors (I've had mothers call and tell me I'm the most awful parent for not letting him live in my home). He has stayed with his nana and got kicked out because she couldn't sleep at night due to fear and he drove her batty with drugs, behaviors and fights with his uncle. He stayed at his aunts house and was kicked out due to behaviors/outbursts. He was kicked out of our house to do drugs, behaviors, outbursts, fights, property destruction and the safety of our younger child (even had to get a protective order). He was kicked out of 2 homeless shelters for false accusations, causing fights and drugs. He has been kicked out of 2 motels due to uncleanliness, behaviors (saying he's the devil), and attitude with staff. He was kicked out of a room to share due to almost burning the place down, behaviors (peeing on the walls), uncleanliness, and basically creeping people out. 



Let's move on to finances. He has had us pay for countless motels, hotels and rooms for rent so he wouldn't be cold outside in the winter.  He has his nana sending him money by telling her false stories. His father has bailed him out of jail twice. He stole money from us (and probably others). He has now finally received social security and spent $2000 on drugs and jewelry (for himself) in 1 day. We have bought soooo many replacement cell phones (so we have some sort of contact with him). Not to mention we have bought all his food, clothes, toiletries for the past 3 yrs (we have gone without just to be sure he wouldn't) BUT, no one does anything for him. 

I have drove him to appts, tried to help get social security on 2 occasions, Medicaid several times, SNAP benefits several times, Ect. BUT I do nothing for him. 

On to the family effects. This has almost caused my marriage to end on 2 occasions. I've lost a job doing my absolute favorite thing to do because I've missed time due to him causing problems at home and school. Our youngest child was scared to death of him. Our sanity is no longer. Sleep at night? What's that?  

He has been in the hospital twice only. Getting him there is nearly impossible. The 1st time he was TDO several times that stay which kept him there for 30 days.  2nd time he went to the beach spiratically, left all his stuff behind, hitched a ride from some guy at a gas station, went homeless, drugged and boozed up and was arrested for 4 offenses. Sent to the hospital TDO twice for a 6 day stay. They released him to the streets and told him to bus back to a city 2 hrs away from us and basically said he was our problem to pick him up. Whole other mess. 



You know...this is just a cut dry version of how it really is. We do understand that this is a mental illness BUT we are suffering so much with little to no help. We have pushed away so many family and friends because of this drama (hermit life).  People are very judgmental. It's hurts to be told people can't be a part of your life because of a child. So we just don't bother now. Better to stay to ourselves and support each other. 

Usually stories have a happy ending ... Not this one. Right now he's living in a tent in the woods as he wished, cold and crazy. He has left a warm motel room for that. Left all his belongings behind AGAIN. He has $100 (so he says) to his name. Smoking crack and proud of it. BUT has the balls to call and tell me WE do not appreciate what he does for us. I find it hard to appreciate grief since that is all he does for us (cause grief). 



Here's a bit about Schizophrenia... 

Schizophrenia is a serious brain disorder that distorts the way a person thinks, acts, expresses emotions, perceives reality, and relates to others. People with schizophrenia -- the most chronic and disabling of the major mental illnesses -- often have problems functioning in society, at work, at school, and relationships. It is a life-long disease that cannot be cured but usually can be controlled with proper treatment.

 Schizophrenia is a psychosis, a type of mental illness in which a person cannot tell what is real from what is imagined. At times, people with psychotic disorders lose touch with reality. The world may seem like a jumble of confusing thoughts, images, and sounds. The behavior of people with schizophrenia may be very strange and even shocking. A sudden change in personality and behavior, which occurs when schizophrenia sufferers lose touch with reality, is called a psychotic episode.

Schizophrenia varies in severity from person to person. Some people have only one psychotic episode while others have many episodes during a lifetime but lead relatively normal lives between episodes. Still other individuals with this disorder may experience a decline in their functioning over time with little improvement between full blown psychotic episodes. Schizophrenia symptoms seem to worsen and improve in cycles known as relapses and remissions.

In this case, the word positive does not mean "good." Rather, it refers to obvious symptoms that are not present in people without schizophrenia. These symptoms, which are sometimes referred to as psychotic symptoms, include:

  • Delusions: Delusions are strange beliefs that are not based in reality and that the person refuses to give up, even when presented with factual information. For example, the person suffering from delusions may believe that people can hear his or her thoughts, that he or she is God or the devil, or that people are putting thoughts into his or her head or plotting against them.
  • Hallucinations: These involve perceiving sensations that aren't real, such as seeing things that aren't there, hearing voices, smelling strange odors, having a "funny" taste in your mouth, and feeling sensations on your skin even though nothing is touching your body. Hearing voices is the most common hallucination in people with schizophrenia. The voices may comment on the person's behavior, insult the person, or give commands.
  • Catatonia (a condition in which the person becomes fixed in a single position for a very long time).

Disorganized symptoms of schizophrenia are a type of positive symptom that reflects the person's inability to think clearly and respond appropriately.  Examples of disorganized symptoms include:

  • Talking in sentences that do not make sense or using nonsense words, making it difficult for the person to communicate or engage in conversation
  • Shifting quickly from one thought to the next
  • Moving slowly
  • Being unable to make decisions
  • Writing excessively but without meaning
  • Forgetting or losing things
  • Repeating movements or gestures, such as pacing or walking in circles
  • Having problems making sense of everyday sights, sounds, and feelings. 

Cognitive symptoms include:

  • Poor executive functioning (the ability to understand information and to use it to make decisions)
  • Trouble focusing or paying attention
  •  Difficulty with working memory (the ability to use information immediately after learning it)

Negative Symptoms of Schizophrenia

In this case, the word negative does not mean "bad," but reflects the absence of certain normal behaviors in people with schizophrenia. Negative symptoms of schizophrenia include:

  • Lack of emotion or a very limited range of emotions
  • Withdrawal from family, friends, and social activities
  • Reduced energy
  • Reduced speech
  • Lack of motivation
  • Loss of pleasure or interest in life
  • Poor hygiene and grooming habits

What Causes Schizophrenia?

The exact cause of schizophrenia is not yet known. It is known, however, that schizophrenia -- like cancer and diabetes -- is a real illness with a biological basis. It is not the result of bad parenting or personal weakness. Researchers have uncovered a number of factors that appear to play a role in the development of schizophrenia, including:

  • Genetics (heredity): Schizophrenia tends to run in families, which means a greater likelihood to develop schizophrenia may be passed on from parents to their children.
  • Brain chemistry: People with schizophrenia may have an imbalance of certain chemicals in the brain. They may be either very sensitive to or produce too much of a brain chemical called dopamine. Dopamine is a neurotransmitter, a substance that helps nerve cells in the brain send messages to each other. An imbalance of dopamine affects the way the brain reacts to certain stimuli, such as sounds, smells, and sights and can lead to hallucinations and delusions.
  • Brain abnormality: Research has found abnormal brain structure and function in people with schizophrenia. However, this type of abnormality doesn't happen in all schizophrenics and can occur in people without the disease.
  • Environmental factors: Evidence suggests that certain environmental factors, such as a viral infection, extensive exposure to toxins like marijuana, or highly stressful situations, may trigger schizophrenia in people who have inherited a tendency to develop the disorder. Schizophrenia more often surfaces when the body is undergoing hormonal and physical changes, such as those that occur during the teen and young adult years.

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

30 Something's Will Understand

Things I realize now that I'm in my 30's 

It's almost like I lived in a parallel universe until the past 4 years. I'm 34 this year and it just ... BAMMMM, hit me ... never before has it been so clear as to what I expect from myself and others. I wish I had this knowledge when I was 20. 


1. 30 really isn't as old as I thought it was when I was 29
2. After 30 your brain finally awakens to life 
3. Not that I've ever been a selfish person, but in my 30's I feel as though I need to give more and accept less
4. Birthdays? What are those? 
5. Babies, babies, babies ... oh, and did I mention babies? ALWAYS on the brain 
6. You're now older than a 1/4 of a century (that's craziness)
7. That cake will go straight to your ass or thighs BUT you're going to eat it anyhow because you had a bad day 
8. You actually have money in the bank
9. Family is more important than ever
10. Friends at this age will likely be friends for life (if they haven't been already) 
11. New found patience
12. It's still okay to rock yoga pants on occasion 
13. Go out, go out often and see everything you can
14. Meeting new people isn't so scary anymore
15. You don't live off junk food and pizza because you learned to cook
16. Water water water water 
17. With 16 comes frequent trips to the bathroom since you aren't a teenager with a bladder the size of Texas anymore
18. Pooping on a regular basis is essential to your own sanity and health 
19. Body parts start to aches that you were sure weren't there before
20. You'll get over it ... Whatever it is
21. Sadness is just a mere memory
22. You don't know everything and you're quite content with that 
23. You'll help people even if they won't help themselves, but you know when enough is enough  
24. You love yourself more...every nook and cranny
25. Partying is no longer in the clubs...it's now in the backyard with friends, family and your the kids BUT you're in heaven with the thought of it
26. You have a successful career path 
27. You can't dress like you're 20 anymore even if that top if just amazing
28. Proper shoes are far more important to your health
29. Reading ... Anything, has meaning to it 
30. Love still hurts, but is mostly GREAT and deep
31.Your drive and determination are in full gear and you'll go after what you want and get it 
32. You don't take shit from anyone ... it's easier to walk away 
33. Me time is essential to other peoples health 
34. You go to theme parks and never have to ride a ride again ... You are now the stroller queen and happy with that
35. You can see the good in almost everyone 
36. It's been years since you've been wasted and you're cool with that 
37. Going to bed at 8pm and waking up at 5am is not such an old person thing anymore
38. Going to bed late consists of a bedtime past 8pm
39. You love when your parents come to visit you and hate when they leave
40. You cherish every waking moment as if it really was your last 
41. Free medical advice is the best advice you can get
42. Exercising is far more valuable 
43. DIY, upcycling, thrift, consignment, free and donate give you butterflies in your stomach 
44. You hold yourself to a higher standard than any year prior
45. Respect for yourself and others increases each year that turns
46. You're willing to allow others to help you
47. You find strength in what was once your weakness 
48. You realize sleep is what happens when you die 
49. You work too much and play too little
50. You've come to a conclusion that your life is pretty awesome
51. The scale is a big fat liar 
52. You now realize why you took a math class in HS/college 
53. Getting a haircut on the regular makes you feel young
54. Reality shows aren't so much like a reality you know 
55. Time goes way too fast 
56. The days feel shorter ... except for when you're at work 
57. Walks in the park are peaceful 
58. You become one with nature and all it's little creatures
59. Birthday parties consist of cakes/presents not kegs 
60. You turn to a higher being in good times and bad ... not just bad
61. Getting a vacuum cleaner, blender, cutlery, bath towels or bed set for birthdays or Christmas is exciting
62. Pajamas are much more comfortable when they have more material 
63. When a pet dies...it's like losing a child
64. When a parent dies it makes you realize more how valuable life really is 
65. A brand new car isn't all that important ... besides, once you drove it off the lot ... it's now a used car
66. You volunteer because you can, not because you're forced to for school or work
67. You cry at the movies ... even when they aren't so sad
68. You're teen child no longer needs you and you're devastated about it
69. Road rage is less because you're tolerable to grandmas and teen assholes
70. Marriage is a unity between two best friend 
71. Other peoples kids don't get on your nerves as much 
72. Lying or cheating are not tolerable 
73. You no longer find it important to have 700+ friends on Facebook because for real ... who cares what that middle school bully asshole is up to now 
74. Tomorrow is a new day
75. Pancakes homemade with fruit in them are to die for 
76. Just because you like it, doesn't mean others will and vise versa
77. That hateful thing you teenager said to you was all based on hormones
78. No one can make you feel less than you are
77. Being 30 means you have 29 years experience 
78. You no longer run from your problems 
79. Lying to yourself ... no longer necessary 
80. Being me is more comfortable than being someone I'm not 
81. You look to yourself, rather than other, for happiness 
82. You're ready ... for anything 
83. Feeling sorry for yourself is overrated 
84. You no longer feel the need to explain yourself 
85. Breakfast really is the most important meal of the day ... make it count
86. Envy is a waste of time
87. You're job won't take care of you when you're sick...take care of yourself 
88. Don't take yourself seriously anymore ... cuz no one else does
89. Having a living will or advanced directives is no laughing matter
90. Never look a gifted horse in the mouth 
91. A 10 minute nap can refresh the soul
92. Meditation/mindfulness isn't so lame 
93. Obsess over music ... all kinds
94. You can now laugh at what you once were
95. Your kids are acting just like you were as a kid 
96. If it can be blended, blend it
97. Bananas aren't just for splits
98. Running and music combined are better than pot after pot of coffee 
99. Crying is refreshing even if it's for no reason 
100. Soon you'll be in your 40's 

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Baked Penne

Most people make baked ziti, but I like penne pasta because I can get it whole wheat. 



Ingredients:
1 lb box whole wheat penne pasta 
1 lb turkey burger
1 large jar organic pasta sauce 
1/2 red, orange, yellow and green pepper diced
1 small zucchini squash diced
1/4 purple onion diced
1 pkg baby Bella mushrooms chopped
2 teaspoons garlic powder
2 teaspoons black pepper
1- 12 oz pkg mozzarella shredded cheese


Tools: 
Large skillet
Large pot
Stirring spoon
Strainer
Sharp knife
Cutting board
Aluminum casserole baking dish
Serving spoon 

Directions: 

Preheat the oven to 325 degrees. 


In large pot boil water and cook pasta to desired consistency. When finished, strain water with strainer. 

In large skillet cook turkey burger thoroughly and when almost complete toss in all veggies and seasonings. 


When all complete, mix together in large pot. Once all stirred up, layer into casserole baking dish with bottom of dish covered. Add a layer of shredded cheese. Keep layering until pasta and cheese run out. 


Serve and ENJOY.  This is absolutely yummy. 

Banana Pancakes

Healthy banana pancake recipes. I use organic fee range eggs, natural apple sauce. 




Mushroom Beef Stroganoff


Mushroom Beef Stroganoff 


Ingredients: 
1 lb lean ground beef (can substitute turkey burger)
1- 8oz pkg whole wheat egg noodle
1- 10.7oz can low sodium cream if mushroom soup
1 tablespoon garlic powder
1 pkg baby Bella mushrooms
1/2 cup light sour cream


Tools:
Large skillet
Large pot
Strainer
Stirring spoon


Directions:
Cook beef thoroughly in skillet, when beef almost cooked add mushrooms and garlic powder to skillet and cook until desired texture or mushrooms. 
In large pot boil water and cook noodles to desired firmness. When pasta is cooked, drain with strainer and add to skillet to cook for 2 mins together. Pepper and salt to taste (if needed) and ENJOY. 

Gotta love my fine china ... comfort food! 

Thursday, April 3, 2014

Sweet Salmon

Sweet Salmon

Ingredients:
1/2 lb wild caught sockeye salmon 
2 Tbsp low sodium soy sauce
1/3 C maple syrup
1/4 tsp garlic powder
1/2 garlic minced 
1/8 tsp black pepper

Tools:
Baking dish
Extra small mixing bowl (Tupperware)
Measuring Spoons
Table spoon


Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. 

Mix all ingredients in extra small mixing bowl (not the salmon). 

Place salmon in baking dish and coat with mixture. 

Bake for 17-19 minutes (135 internal temp). 

Remove from oven and serve with sides. I served with brown rice (pepper and feta cheese) and fresh steamed cauliflower. 

Enjoy! 



Sunday, March 30, 2014

Baked Apple Chips

Baked Apple Chips 


Ingredients:
3 apples (any kind), I used organic Granny Smith apples).
Cinnamon
Lemon juice



Tools:
Sharp knife
Large baking sheet
Parchment paper (I did not use this, BIG mistake) 



Directions:
Preheat the oven to 200 degrees. Slice the apples thin (the thinner the better, if they are thick they taste soggy). Line the baking sheet with parchment paper. Soak each side of the apple with lemon juice. Line the pan with apple slices. Sprinkle cinnamon over the slices. Bake for 2 hours. 





These are a healthy, easy, delicious snack. 

I know I used aluminum foil...not a good idea. The apples stuck to the foil and were near impossible to peel away. I read a recipe the called for parchment paper, I suggest that's what's used. 

We were still able to enjoy mostly all the apples, but it was work to get them off the foil to eat. 

ENJOY! 

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

The Avid Mind Of An Anxious Moment

The avid mind of an anxious moment


Mind is racing a million thoughts a minute...yet, can't just focus on one. (That pain in my leg is a blood clot, my chest hurts...it must be a heart attack, my head is killing me...is it a stroke? Brain tumor?, my stomach hurts...is it my organs failing? cancer? I can't eat that because i might be allergic, I can't take that medicine because it will kill me, can't go to sleep because I might die from all these problems, hard time breathing...is it a PE? cancer? .... stop thinking, stop thinking, why do I feel like this? Not again). Heart starts pounding...pulse check, racing heart. If my heart beats too fast will I die? Sweaty palms...can't get a grip. The room is closing in. Everyone can see my fear. They're all looking at me...yet, there's no one here. I'm all alone. If I die will they find me? Can they save me? My chest is killing me. Is this real pain or is it panic? Should I call 911...should I go to the doctor...? I feel like I'm going to throw up. I have to poop. The room is spinning and I can't catch my breath. Help me please ... someone, anyone, everyone. Calm down please ... this is not okay. This is not real. None of it! You can do this, walk it off. You're being absurd. Walk, walk, walk...deep breath in through your nose, now out through your mouth. Repeat over and over and over. Keep repeating. Calm yourself. Pulse check, slowed nicely, you're still alive. Praise yourself. It's finally over. That was the longest 2 minutes in history. Glad it was a short attack this time. 

Monday, February 24, 2014

8 Minute Yoga for Better Sleep

Exercise is necessary for sound sleep, but you should not exercise intensely at least 4 hrs prior to bed. Yoga is great to help relax for sleep. 

Here's a simple 8 minute yoga plan to do at bedtime for better sleep. 


Pomegranate Pear Overnight Oats

Pomegranate Pear Overnight Oats 

1/4 C steel cut oats
1/2 C whole grain rolled oats
1 Tbsp brown sugar 
1 Tbsp chia seeds
2 Tbsp shaved almonds 
2 Tbsp pomegranate seeds
1/2 d'anjou pear chopped
3 oz Greek vanilla yogurt
1/8 C raisins 
1/2 C almond milk 





Mix all ingredients in mason jar and refrigerate overnight. Heat for 2 minutes in the morning. May need to add some almond milk in the morning to help loosed consistency. 

ENJOY! 

Pumpkin Spice Smoothie



Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Roasted Cabbage Rounds

Roasted Cabbage Rounds

These go perfectly with kelbasa, ham or alone (for the vegetarians). 

Ingredients:
1 whole large head of green cabbage 
2 Tbsp fresh minced garlic 
2 Tbsp fresh minced red onion
EVOO (extra virgin olive oil)
2 Tbsp parsley
1 Tbsp sea salt 


Supplies:
Large baking sheet 
Aluminum foil
Large spatula
Measuring spoons 
Pastry brush 




Directions:
Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Line baking sheet with aluminum foil and coat with EVOO.  Cut head of cabbage 1 inch thick starting at the base (core). You should get at least 4 slices. Coat both sides of cabbage with EVOO using pastry brush. Sprinkle both sides of cabbage withminced garlic, minced onion, parsley and sea salt. Bake for 25 minutes on 1 side then flip with spatula and bake for 25 minutes on the other side. Should be light golden brown. 




ENJOY! 

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Tuna Noodle Casserole

This is my semi-healthier version of tuna noodle casserole. Everybody loves comfort food especially in the cold month. This is one of my favs. 

Ingredients:
-12oz bag Ronzoni whole wheat wide noodles
- 2 small cans Campbell's reduced fat cream of mushroom soup 
- 1 cup Mexican blend cheese
- 1 large carrot grated
- 1 celery stick chopped thin 
- 1/2 bag frozen sweet peas
- 1-2 Cups milk 
- 3   8 oz cans of solid white albacore tuna
- 1 pkg of Ritz crackers crushed


Supplies:
Large pot 
Mixing spoon
Strainer
Heavy duty casserole dish 
Grater
Knife 
Can opener
Oven/stovetop


Directions:
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. 
Cook noodles on stovetop in boiling water for 4 minutes. Once cooked, mix ALL ingredients together in the pot except crushed Ritz. Once mixed, place in casserole dish and top with crushed Ritz. Bake for 30 minutes. 






Enjoy