Disorganized times of a schizophrenic mind

Everyone has 2 stories...the one they share and the one they don't.  That's my case. Here's the one I don't share. My closet life. 

 We have a 21 yr old step child whom we have known is schizophrenic for 3 yrs now. BUT it has been the most trying 8 yrs EVER in history with him. We don't even say we have an older child when asked about kids for not so obvious reasons. 

 Being a nurse, working in mental health and in a hospital, and having known people with schizophrenia ... you'd think I'd know all about handling it. Every case is unique, so to speak. Maybe I just tell myself that? Comforting? Not really. 

Let's just get a glance into how this works in my world. Every day is a battle. There are no good days unless I don't hear from him BUT then it's not good because I worry the worst has happened (drug overdose, murdered, suicide, jail, freezing to death, Ect). 

This boy wants to spend his life in a tent in the woods ... homeless with "his people" that do not exist. Yes, WANTS to do that. Life plans. 

Direct daily quotes of this catastrophic mess ..."I'm moving to California, Georgia, New Hampshire, Colorado, West Virginia." "I want to smoke pot all day so I'll move to Colorado cuz it's legal there and then I'll have friends", "I wanna live free, homeless, in a tent without people around me", "I spent $250 on crack", "I only bought one beer", "I'm a cool guy so I don't know why no one wants me to live with them", my friend -----, my friend----, my friend----" (there are no friends), "let me barrow some money for ...", "I think I'm gonna be a serial killer one day."  

I know more about the Holy Trinity than ever before. "The people in the lights" control his mind. He laughs at nothing apparent to anyone. He can't hold a conversation. When he does conversate he stops mid sentence, long pause and then on another subject or he just walks away as if you aren't there. He thinks everyone is out to get him. I don't know when he last bathed. He's been to jail countless times. Meds ... omg, he does not need meds because he doesn't have a mental health issue ... everyone else does. He was kicked out of school on so many occasions, suspended, detentions for drugs in school, behaviors, outbursts. (We had testing... All negative). He has sooooo many legal issues and fines. It's like he has no common sense. If you say "that's probably not a good idea or that's not safe" he does it. No one does anything for him. OKAY, let's touch base on that. 

No one does anything for him ??? Let's start with living arrangements. He has stayed at countless friends houses and been kicked out due to behaviors (I've had mothers call and tell me I'm the most awful parent for not letting him live in my home). He has stayed with his nana and got kicked out because she couldn't sleep at night due to fear and he drove her batty with drugs, behaviors and fights with his uncle. He stayed at his aunts house and was kicked out due to behaviors/outbursts. He was kicked out of our house to do drugs, behaviors, outbursts, fights, property destruction and the safety of our younger child (even had to get a protective order). He was kicked out of 2 homeless shelters for false accusations, causing fights and drugs. He has been kicked out of 2 motels due to uncleanliness, behaviors (saying he's the devil), and attitude with staff. He was kicked out of a room to share due to almost burning the place down, behaviors (peeing on the walls), uncleanliness, and basically creeping people out. 

Let's move on to finances. He has had us pay for countless motels, hotels and rooms for rent so he wouldn't be cold outside in the winter.  He has his nana sending him money by telling her false stories. His father has bailed him out of jail twice. He stole money from us (and probably others). He has now finally received social security and spent $2000 on drugs and jewelry (for himself) in 1 day. We have bought soooo many replacement cell phones (so we have some sort of contact with him). Not to mention we have bought all his food, clothes, toiletries for the past 3 yrs (we have gone without just to be sure he wouldn't) BUT, no one does anything for him. 

I have drove him to appts, tried to help get social security on 2 occasions, Medicaid several times, SNAP benefits several times, Ect. BUT I do nothing for him. 

On to the family effects. This has almost caused my marriage to end on 2 occasions. I've lost a job doing my absolute favorite thing to do because I've missed time due to him causing problems at home and school. Our youngest child was scared to death of him. Our sanity is no longer. Sleep at night? What's that?  

He has been in the hospital twice only. Getting him there is nearly impossible. The 1st time he was TDO several times that stay which kept him there for 30 days.  2nd time he went to the beach spiratically, left all his stuff behind, hitched a ride from some guy at a gas station, went homeless, drugged and boozed up and was arrested for 4 offenses. Sent to the hospital TDO twice for a 6 day stay. They released him to the streets and told him to bus back to a city 2 hrs away from us and basically said he was our problem to pick him up. Whole other mess. 

You know...this is just a cut dry version of how it really is. We do understand that this is a mental illness BUT we are suffering so much with little to no help. We have pushed away so many family and friends because of this drama (hermit life).  People are very judgmental. It's hurts to be told people can't be a part of your life because of a child. So we just don't bother now. Better to stay to ourselves and support each other. 

Usually stories have a happy ending ... Not this one. Right now he's living in a tent in the woods as he wished, cold and crazy. He has left a warm motel room for that. Left all his belongings behind AGAIN. He has $100 (so he says) to his name. Smoking crack and proud of it. BUT has the balls to call and tell me WE do not appreciate what he does for us. I find it hard to appreciate grief since that is all he does for us (cause grief). 

Here's a bit about Schizophrenia... 

Schizophrenia is a serious brain disorder that distorts the way a person thinks, acts, expresses emotions, perceives reality, and relates to others. People with schizophrenia -- the most chronic and disabling of the major mental illnesses -- often have problems functioning in society, at work, at school, and relationships. It is a life-long disease that cannot be cured but usually can be controlled with proper treatment.

 Schizophrenia is a psychosis, a type of mental illness in which a person cannot tell what is real from what is imagined. At times, people with psychotic disorders lose touch with reality. The world may seem like a jumble of confusing thoughts, images, and sounds. The behavior of people with schizophrenia may be very strange and even shocking. A sudden change in personality and behavior, which occurs when schizophrenia sufferers lose touch with reality, is called a psychotic episode.

Schizophrenia varies in severity from person to person. Some people have only one psychotic episode while others have many episodes during a lifetime but lead relatively normal lives between episodes. Still other individuals with this disorder may experience a decline in their functioning over time with little improvement between full blown psychotic episodes. Schizophrenia symptoms seem to worsen and improve in cycles known as relapses and remissions.

In this case, the word positive does not mean "good." Rather, it refers to obvious symptoms that are not present in people without schizophrenia. These symptoms, which are sometimes referred to as psychotic symptoms, include:

• Delusions: Delusions are strange beliefs that are not based in reality and that the person refuses to give up, even when presented with factual information. For example, the person suffering from delusions may believe that people can hear his or her thoughts, that he or she is God or the devil, or that people are putting thoughts into his or her head or plotting against them.
• Hallucinations: These involve perceiving sensations that aren't real, such as seeing things that aren't there, hearing voices, smelling strange odors, having a "funny" taste in your mouth, and feeling sensations on your skin even though nothing is touching your body. Hearing voices is the most common hallucination in people with schizophrenia. The voices may comment on the person's behavior, insult the person, or give commands.
• Catatonia (a condition in which the person becomes fixed in a single position for a very long time).

Disorganized symptoms of schizophrenia are a type of positive symptom that reflects the person's inability to think clearly and respond appropriately.  Examples of disorganized symptoms include:

• Talking in sentences that do not make sense or using nonsense words, making it difficult for the person to communicate or engage in conversation
• Shifting quickly from one thought to the next
• Moving slowly
• Being unable to make decisions
• Writing excessively but without meaning
• Forgetting or losing things
• Repeating movements or gestures, such as pacing or walking in circles
• Having problems making sense of everyday sights, sounds, and feelings. 

Cognitive symptoms include:

• Poor executive functioning (the ability to understand information and to use it to make decisions)
• Trouble focusing or paying attention
•  Difficulty with working memory (the ability to use information immediately after learning it)

Negative Symptoms of Schizophrenia

In this case, the word negative does not mean "bad," but reflects the absence of certain normal behaviors in people with schizophrenia. Negative symptoms of schizophrenia include:

• Lack of emotion or a very limited range of emotions
• Withdrawal from family, friends, and social activities
• Reduced energy
• Reduced speech
• Lack of motivation
• Loss of pleasure or interest in life
• Poor hygiene and grooming habits

What Causes Schizophrenia?

The exact cause of schizophrenia is not yet known. It is known, however, that schizophrenia -- like cancer and diabetes -- is a real illness with a biological basis. It is not the result of bad parenting or personal weakness. Researchers have uncovered a number of factors that appear to play a role in the development of schizophrenia, including:

• Genetics (heredity): Schizophrenia tends to run in families, which means a greater likelihood to develop schizophrenia may be passed on from parents to their children.
• Brain chemistry: People with schizophrenia may have an imbalance of certain chemicals in the brain. They may be either very sensitive to or produce too much of a brain chemical called dopamine. Dopamine is a neurotransmitter, a substance that helps nerve cells in the brain send messages to each other. An imbalance of dopamine affects the way the brain reacts to certain stimuli, such as sounds, smells, and sights and can lead to hallucinations and delusions.
• Brain abnormality: Research has found abnormal brain structure and function in people with schizophrenia. However, this type of abnormality doesn't happen in all schizophrenics and can occur in people without the disease.
• Environmental factors: Evidence suggests that certain environmental factors, such as a viral infection, extensive exposure to toxins like marijuana, or highly stressful situations, may trigger schizophrenia in people who have inherited a tendency to develop the disorder. Schizophrenia more often surfaces when the body is undergoing hormonal and physical changes, such as those that occur during the teen and young adult years.